6/Christmas Eve

I have come to the realization, that I have too many realizations. That, in fact, I waste a large protion of my day making discoveries; so much so, that I can barely remember them all and, I think, that leads to an increase in discoveries the following day. I have requested a voice recorder for Christmas/Wicked-late-graduation-present to try and battle this difficulty, but for now, in the spirit of my meta-realization and the holidays/reflectiveness/life-standing/all the other stuff that fits here but don't want to type, this one's a little fragmented, but somehow in the last few days, I think I got them. I'd try to explain why except:

1) It is often not why but how that matters. I don't exactly know why the world seems to dwell on why's, or why I specifically dwell on them, but if I am ever to reconcile to the existential with the tangible, I'm going to have to let it go. Existentialism doesn't give a shit about why, even if that's all the rational part of me wants to know. Though I hate to say it, it's very zen not to ask why, because it doesn't really matter. Why you ask, because it just doesn't and neither does that why. What I've found that matters is How. Further, it seems that the How will determine the why without acctually being it. The How implies the Why in a way that prevents you from ever really having to explain it. If it's done in a nice way, no one really cares why. Sounds extreme right? I'm sure there is some unlucky soul who has stumbled across this by accident and is thinking "My God. No matter how you kill the Jews, the Holocaut is still wrong." No. That's not true. If Hitler wanted all the Jews to die of old age and dedicate his army to eradicating diseases that would stop them from reaching this death-by-natureal-causes, he would have been applauded. It's the how. But that's just an example and I can bend it to my whim. In a sort of existential-postmodern way, it is perhaps more appropriate to talk about How I came to this realization. It's so simple it's sad: I quit my job. Yes, as if I hadn't focused on this enough, I did. But the catch here is that put me in an interesting quandry. You see, I really hated what my boss was doing, but I couldn't really convince anyone of importance that he was filled with some sort of pitiful evil. So instead, I left. However, I had really, really, really wanted to make this marketing thing work and let's face it I'm not one for second chances. I was hoping I could make good for my mother and grandparents in one stab, as it's not really in me to wait this one out. Now, having failed, I had to tell my grandparents. They would want to know Why and I can't say I blame them. It's my first real job and it's over in less than 6 months. Fuck. But when I told them, they were right behind me. Of course, many would point out that's what good friends and family do. Not true. My family is of the tough love variety and would tell me if they thought I was wrong on something so simple as the sandwich I selected. I must have said something good. Better yet, I must have said something well. It was not what I told them, it was How. It was not why I told them, it was how. It was not why I left, but how. It was the How. I don't honestly believe the why mattered at all. Perhaps one could argue the better the why the easier the how, but I'm taking it one step at a time. This opens up a bunch of ideas for me. I don't have to worry about What I'm going to do with my life and Why I should do it, I just have to focus on How. The tangible creates the existential. Pretty deep for midnight before the big X day.

2) Democracy sucks. I will right an essay about this soon. There really is no excuse for letting the unwashed masses decide what's good for everyone. To me this seems to be the equivalent of deciding the best American food by what sold the most. I think we all know the fast-food hamburger would win and already is what America is known for. This makes me ill. That's it? That's the great world leader? Done in a matter of minutes? Mmmm... a nation of speed. Sounds like a great philosophy. I can here American men shouting it in the bedroom "I'm not lousy, I'm patriotic!"

3) It is okay to masturbate on Christmas Eve in a bathroom while your family eats shrimp thinking of an irritating woman you met only hours earlier. In fact, it's a huge stress relief. On that note: a true realization, I need to have sex. Especially if it's frequent and meaningless. On that note: I like breasts. God bless 'em. On that note: I really shouldn't over share too much, some day this will come back to haunt me. I can only hope that...

4) I can really make every situation acceptable, and here's how: Check Out. My grandparents have demonstrated to me that listening to the entirely of a conversation, or even sentance, is not only pointless, it's downright stupid. You can save hours of precious life by simply not paying any fucking attention to what is going on. Not doing anything? Check out. Not talking or directly engaged in the conversation? Day dream. Though cold, I have noted the amount of stress and argument this avoids. Granted, you will not save the world with this method, but if you're looking to save the world you should not be realizing this and you're off to a bad start (saving the world, that is) having read this far. But anyway, I don't intend to sound condicending and by all means I fall in to the category of those who should be ignored, but we really need to treat each other a little more like children. I don't think anyone could argue that we treat children poorly. We should extend that kindness to ourselves. Let us make our own mistakes and figure them out. Let us ramble. Let us dream. Worse, encourage our misguided dreams and play along. Worse, follow them and fail. Miserably. Cry about it. But most importantly, we should expect each other to fuck up pretty bad and ignore it, just like we do kids. While we're at it, we should stop having kids. Simply because I don't like them.

[Now, I know some witty bastard might read this and think "Wait, doesn't this go against your last realization about democracy ? Weren't you implying that we shouldn't lower our standards to accomadate everyone? Okay, I hear this, but think more. Kids, in acctuality, have very high standards. A large portion of them want to be presidents, astronaughts, celebrities, athletes, their parents (usually in the more admirable way), or other great things. As an adept commercial campaign pointed out im my youth: No one say they want to be on drugs when they grow up. But funny, lots of adults do. Worse, are.]

5) I will find my voice, I will do my work, it will seem to take for-fucking-ever. Oh well. In the mean time, I will work a shit job, goof off with my friends, and not worry about being a success. I hate people like that anyway.

6) I do not even begin to know how to cope with my family. I am afraid, I have out grown them. For the first time today, my grandparnets sought my approval. I think the worlda has switched its equinox. Though I'm still not comfort around all of my family and may never be, I really can do anything. It's a matter of how.

Okay that's enoguh for now. I hope anyone who reads this has had a happy holiday season. Thanks for reading and I leave you with this:

Yesterday, I touched the man who writes the Jumbles. The Jumbles, man, the Jumbles. I think I can die now.